Mars and Venus on a Date - John Gray

MARS AND VENUS ON A DATE

· When we misinterpret each other, it can cause us to sabotage our relationships unknowingly.
· Dating is awkward and has definite moments of pain and discomfort.
· The faster way of finding a special partner or being found by someone is to create positive dating experiences.
· Learning from mistakes helps prevent the repetition of negative patterns.

· Most people date several people before finding the right one. Each time you go out and discover that this is the wrong person for you, your mind will self-correct, and next time you will feel more attracted to someone who is closer to being the right person. To self-correct after each shot, we need to get the correct feedback.
· How you end a relationship has an enormous impact on the quality of your next relationship. Good endings make good beginnings.
· Without an open heart, it is much more difficult to find the right person. When our hearts are open we can be assured that we are getting closer to our goal. When our hearts are closed, however, we tend to repeat the same experiences.
· It is human nature to want to go back and fix things or change things that we regret. So often after breaking up, many couples find that they can be better friends, simply because when you try to fit a square peg into a round hole, it is just not going to fit no matter what you do.
· How do you know when someone is right?? The most accurate answer to this question is that you “just know” when you have created the right conditions to know.
· Moving through the five stages of dating creates the right conditions for you to develop the ability to “just know” when the right person comes along. It also allows you to “just know” when you are with the wrong person.
· Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that he or she is the one for you. In most cases it takes both time and progression through the five stages before you can recognize your true life partner.
· There are games and manipulations to make someone love you and want to marry you, but this doesn’t ensure that he or she will be right for you.
· It was fine in previous generations to marry someone without first getting to know him or her, because the need for security was the basis of marriage. For most couples in history, marriage meant the end of romance.

· A soul mate is someone who has the unique ability to bring out the best in us. Soul mates are not perfect, but perfect for us. There are basically four types of chemistry between dating partners:
1. Physical chemistry generates desire and arousal
2. Emotional chemistry generates affection, caring and trust
3. Mental chemistry creates interest and receptivity
4. Spiritual chemistry opens our hearts, creating love, appreciation and respect
A soul mate includes all four.

· The most change happens on the physical level. Everything on the physical plane is always changing. As we progress to the emotional plane, we change less.
Physical chemistry is very short-lived. That is why, when a relationship passes the test of time, the love is real.
· Choosing a soul mate is not a mental decision based on pros and cons of a relationship. It is not an emotional decision based on how a person makes you feel. It is not a physical decision based on how a person looks. It is much deeper.
· When our soul wants to marry our partner it feels like a promise that we came into this world to keep. It feels as if we are supposed to be together and share our lives. It feels as if we have no choice. It empowers us to make the necessary sacrifices and overcome the inevitable challenges that come with marriage.
· The first challenge in the process of dating is to give up searching for your soul mate and instead focus on preparing yourself so that you can recognize your soul mate when he or she appears. Most people find or are found by their soul mates when they are not really looking. When you are ready, your soul mate will appear.
· Another important insight about soul mates is that they are never perfect. They will not have everything on your list of ideal qualities, but when your heart is open and you know them, they are somehow perfect for you.
· Overall, being fulfilled as a single person is the basis of finding the right person and being successful in marriage.

· There are usually five stages in the dating process-

1. Stage One: Attraction

-The alchemy of creating a loving relationship is a very delicate balance of give-and-take.
-In stage one, quite often it is the anticipation that we can get what we need or what we want from a relationship with a potential partner that tends to sustain attraction.
-Whenever a man does something to make a woman feel special, in her eyes he becomes more attractive.
-If he takes the risk of asking for her number or asking her out, she is inclined to say yes just because he took the risk. It makes her feel special and she feels flattered.
-A woman can sense if a man’s ability to feel good about himself is dependent on her responses to his advances. If she has to be overly sensitive not to hurt his feelings, then he becomes less attractive. When she is free not to worry about him, but simply enjoy the fact that he cares about her, then she becomes more attracted to him.
-A woman assumes that if she listens to him with great interest, he will be more interested in her. This is true on Venus, but not true on Mars. For a man to become more interested in a woman, she needs to do more of the talking and authentically shares herself in a positive manner.
-When a woman dwells on negative feelings or problems in her life, instead of valuing her willingness to share openly, a man mistakenly assumes that she is difficult to please.
-Just as a woman is attracted to a man who shows interest in her, a man is attracted to a woman who clearly can be pleased. When she appears to be difficult to please, he may easily become turned off.
-A woman needs to be careful to share the positive side of her life and avoid dwelling on negative experiences. Conversation should be light, not heavy, focused on current events in the world and their lives, but discussed in a positive manner. This does not imply in any way that she should be fake. Authenticity is what makes anyone most attractive.
-Too much intimacy, too quickly, can cause women to be needy and men to pull away. Just as men have tendency to rush into physical intimacy, women make the mistake of rushing into complete emotional intimacy.
-A woman doesn’t instinctively understand that after being receptive to a man’s advances and appreciating his efforts, she doesn’t owe him anything.
-When a man is attracted to a woman, he gets excited because he anticipates that he can make her happy and that in turn makes him feel really good; it brings the best of him out. The anticipation of more is very important to keep him interested. If he feels completely satisfied, then there is no distance for him to continue traveling to pursue her. Distance not only makes the heart grow fonder, but gives a man the opportunity to pursue. Without movement and opportunity for more, a man can easily lose interest necessary to move through all five stages of dating.
-When women do not understand men, they easily make the mistake of diffusing the attraction by continuing to give back, instead of increasing the attraction by continuing to receive.
-A woman need never feel obligated to please a man.
-Romance for her is the opportunity to relax and let someone else take charge of her needs.
-When a man feels empty, and can succeed in fulfilling a woman’s needs, a simple smile and a thank you from her are plenty for him.
-A wise woman needs to remember that even if he has the potential to be the man for her dreams, he is not yet. She needs to remember that they are in stage one.

2. Stage Two: Uncertainty

-Stage one is a time to meet and get to know a variety of people. Stage two is a time to focus on one. This is the time to make a decision to give the relationship a chance.
-During this stage of uncertainty, the grass temporarily looks greener on the other side of the fence. For a man, other women may begin to seem more appealing. He may begin to question his feeling: “I like her, but she is not my picture.” A Man doubts and is uncertain when he gets the feeling or assumes that he cannot make her happy.
-As long as a man has not experienced the reality of making a woman happy, he will hold a fantasy picture.
-When a man focuses on what he wants, he is sure to miss the perfect women for him.
-When this happens, she senses the man pulling away. To find reassurance, she makes one of two common mistakes. Either she starts asking questions about the relationship, or she may try to win him over. Both of these approaches can push him away to prevent him from feeling confident that he is the right guy for her.
-While a man tends to question whether he wants to pursue a relationship, a woman tends to question where the relationship is going.
-When a man stops pursuing a woman, a woman’s task is to resist the enormous urge to find out what has happened or to do something about it. It is a time to fill up her life with the support of friends. If he pulls away, she should gracefully allow him take his distance. If she can fill up her life with the support of friends and family and she still misses him, it is a good sign.
-This is why, traditionally, women don’t call men. The wise woman waits for him to pursue her. Yet there is a time for a woman to call. It is foolish to wait passively. A wise woman can create the opportunity for a man to pursue her.
-What to do when he doesn’t call? If a man doesn’t call for a while, it is a good idea for the woman to give him a call but not to pursue him or tell him what she feels about being ignored. She can call just to say hi, to thank him for something, or to ask a question that he has some expertise about, so he clearly gets the message that she is not harboring any resentment because he didn’t call. The worst thing she can do is to call him and interrogate him about his feelings about her and the relationship.
-Sometimes when a man is in stage two he temporarily forgets about a woman. Two days, two weeks, or even two months may pass by in a flash, and then suddenly he remembers how much he likes a woman. He thinks about calling but anticipates that he will be scolded or rejected for taking so long to call. So he decides to not call and moves on. If he has received a friendly call, then he gets the clear message that he is not in trouble. This then frees him to consider pursuing her again.
-When a man comes on strong in stage one and then pulls back in stage two, a woman sometimes feels pressure to give, but by giving more she can actually sabotage a relationship. More is not always better. Instead of letting him continue to please her, she shifts to trying to please him. Inevitably her position is compromised and he loses interest.
-Quite often, a woman denies her feelings of need for a man because she doesn’t want to feel obligated. But by clearly realizing that she is under no obligation, she can begin to freely flirt with men and enjoy receiving what men can offer. The more receptive and responsive she becomes, the more attractive she will be to the kind of man who will want to marry her.
-Just because a woman enjoys a man’s gifts does not in any way obligate her to give more than a smile or a thank you.

3. Stage Three: Exclusivity

-In stage three, we build a foundation that allows us to open our hearts and truly love someone. Before this stage, we are just reacting to the anticipation of getting what we need and testing to see if we want to get involved.
-Having a primary romantic relationship and avoiding any romantic relationships on the side will build the foundation for truly loving someone.
-After a couple becomes exclusive, they often become too comfortable and begin to take each other for granted.
-A man may do everything to win a woman over, but once he has passed the finish line, he turns off his engine, parks his car, and celebrates. In stage three, he mistakenly assumes the pursuit is over. Most men think that you do little romantic things only until a woman accepts you and then you can relax.
-The problem is that men do not necessarily know what is required, particularly when it comes to romantic relationships. When he assumes he is doing enough and the woman is not happy, he quickly gives up and loses his attraction.
-Without an understanding of the importance of continuing to make romantic gestures, a man will unknowingly stop doing the very things that made him so attractive in the beginning.
-That is why, in stage three, a woman’s greatest challenge is to practice the art of asking for support. The biggest mistake a woman makes in stage three is to assume that now a man will do things without her having to ask.
-A woman becomes more attractive when a man clearly knows what she wants. He can then feel confident that he can fulfill her. The best time to ask for support is when a man stops offering it. A woman’s little requests encourage him to continue giving her what she needs.
-When a woman gives more instead of directly asking, it gives a man the wrong message. He is led to believe that either she doesn’t need his help or he is already giving enough.
-Eventually she does ask for more, but because she is feeling so resentful, she asks in a demanding tone or complains before making her request.
-Why men resist a woman’s requests? It is not that he is resisting giving the help; he is resisting her resentful attitude. A man is actually much more motivated to say yes to a woman’s requests when she asks him for support with an attitude that is free of strings, expectations, and obligations.
-Many women turn men off by making the mistake of focusing on their negative feelings before making a request. By learning to ask for what she wants in a positive way, a woman will eventually develop one of the most important skills she needs for having a successful relationship with a man.
Don’t say: “We never go out”
Do say: “Would you take me out to a concert next week end?”
-In stage three women change too. The woman’s expectations increase. She feels inclined to do more for him. As she feels she is giving more, she is no longer as excited and appreciative of the little things he does. Instead of growing in appreciation, she begins to take her partner for granted.
-The secret to success for a woman in the third stage is to continue receiving. Being responsive is at first automatic, but then a woman must consciously make a choice to focus on and express her positive responses.
-When a man takes time to move through the first three stages of dating, his physical desire expands into the emotional desire to please the woman.

4. Stage Four: Intimacy

-Using the right dating skills cannot make you love someone more or make him or her love you more, but dating skills can assist you in discovering how much love you have for a person.
-Chemistry on any level cannot be created; all you can do is create the right conditions for the person to discover what chemistry is possible.
-When you have seen the best of a person over time, then your heart has a chance to open.
-When we are turned on to a partner on all four levels of chemistry, we are ready to move on to stage four.
-In this fourth stage, it is not necessary to keep up your guard and be as positive as in other stages. A woman can open up more and communicate how she feels even when she is not in a good mood. She does not always have to be positive when they are together. Also, a man’s heart has a chance to open fully as he experiences increasing physical intimacy.
-Increased intimacy makes a woman feel more vulnerable, and as a result, her feelings will tend to rise and fall like waves. When a woman’s wave crashes, a man may mistakenly conclude that he can’t do anything to make her happy. When the wave crashes, a woman needs a man’s love the most.
-When the wave crashes she feels
1. Overwhelmed: “I have no time to go out. There is so much to do. I just can’t do it all.”
2. Insecure: “Do you think I look fat?”, ”Do you think we are right for each other? Do you still love me?”
3. Resentful: “I hate my boss. I can’t believe how much he expects me to do.”
When a woman is feeling overwhelmed, insecure or resentful, the last thing she wants is for a man to minimize the problem about which she is upset.
-The more intimate a man becomes with a woman, the more he will sometimes feel a need to pull away. However, he can return to her with even more love. Each time after he pulls away, his love has a chance to grow when he returns.
-When a man pulls away it is very important that she not pursue him or try to get him back. She must be careful not to be rejecting when he returns. The wise woman understands that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” By giving him distance, she lets him feel his desire to pursue her and win her over and over again.
-When a man eventually tastes the fulfillment of experiencing complete physical intimacy with someone with whom he also shares emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy, he cannot go back.
-Just to have sex when he could make love is like eating junk food when he could have a Thanksgiving feast. By taking the time to move through all the five stages, a man ensures that when he does give all of himself it will yield the greatest return.
-In stage four it is fine to switch roles occasionally. If the man has always planned the dates, she can do it now and then. If he has always been a good listener, now she just listens. If he has always initiated romance, now she initiates it sometimes. But it must be done with caution. It is so easy for a man to sit back and receive and for a woman to give too much. When roles are switched, it should be done consciously, with awareness that it is just occasional. Because when a man needs a woman more than she needs him, it can be a real turnoff.
-So many times people ask, “How do you know whether our partner is to be our soul mate? The answer is: Move through the first four stages and you will know.

5. Stage Five: Engagement

-To make sure it is lasting, we much acknowledge and commit ourselves to it. It is important to strike while the iron is hot; otherwise, when it cools down, we may miss the opportunity.
-Most men don’t realize how important the proposal is to a woman. On Venus, second to a wedding ceremony, the proposal is the most cherished memory of a lifetime.
-At difficult times in the future, it will be so helpful for the couple to look back to that very special moment and remember how they felt when their hearts were innocent.
-It is a wonderful gift for a man to create a memorable occasion. It will happen only once, so it’s a good idea to put some extra thought into it.
-The engagement stage is an opportunity for the couple to create lasting memories of their special love for each other.
-During this window of time, we have the greatest ability to practice the two most important skills of staying married: the ability to apologize and the ability to forgive.
-Apologies and forgiveness are interdependent. When one partner apologizes, that makes it easier for the other to find forgiveness. When one partner is very forgiving, that makes it easy for the other to be responsible and apologize. It is difficult for a man to apologize for his mistakes when he does not sense he will be forgiven. It is equally difficult for a woman to forgive a man’s mistakes when he does not apologize.
-A man’s ability to self-correct in consideration of others is directly linked to how accepted he feels.
-If he is unwilling to consider his mistakes, a woman will dwell on his mistakes until he does.
-A man in stage five does not mind making apologies. This is primarily because he hasn’t experienced years of being blamed and rejected for his mistakes. In stage five, he still anticipates being forgiven. That is why this is the best time for him to practice.
-A woman in stage five doesn’t mind practicing being forgiving. After all, unlike her married counterpart, she hasn’t experienced her partner’s repeating certain mistakes for years.
-When a woman deliberately chooses to focus on creating a positive and receptive attitude by forgiving, she then discovers how much a man really wants to please her and support her. She experiences and learns that her love, not her punishments, brings out the best in him.
-Engagement is the best time to practice because we are not yet married. Marriage is like a magnifying glass. Everything becomes bigger. Our love grows, but our problems and pressures become bigger as well.
-On Mars, when a man says he is sorry, the other man happily accepts his apology. Now that you admit you are wrong and I am right, we can be friends again.
-On Venus it is the opposite. When you say you are sorry, the discussion begins. She will proceed to tell him in great detail why he should be feeling sorry.
-To find forgiveness, a woman needs to talk about her feelings until she feels that a man understands why she is upset.
When she starts talking, he feels his apology did no good. When his apology doesn’t work he tries to make her feel better by explaining why she doesn’t need to be upset.
-On Mars, the better the explanation, the better the person listening feels and the more forgiving he becomes.
-On Venus it is different. Explanations can make things worse. She hears that he thinks she doesn’t have the right to be upset.
-Men should know that the least number of words creates the best effect.

Making it through the five stages

-To get through the five stages of dating, it is important to respect the whole process. Each stage creates certain opportunities and challenges.
-If you are quick to fall in love, be careful to proceed slowly and let the relationship pass the test of time.
-A woman needs to remember that she is the Jewel and a man provides the right setting for her to shine. Instead of focusing on pleasing him because he makes her happy, she needs to let him continue to please her with his actions. She does not have to do anything to earn his interest. The more she gives and she graciously receives, the more interested he becomes.
-When a woman falls in love and behaves as if she is completely won over, a man will tend to stay in whatever stage he is in. He thinks, Okay, I can relax; I must be doing enough.
-The sad truth is that the more a man likes a woman, the more he will avoid getting involved because he might eventually hurt her.
-When he doesn’t have to worry about how difficult it will be to get out of a relationship, a man is much more inclined to get involved.
-Throughout the five stages men are to pursue and women are to create the opportunity to be pursued.
-The promise of intimacy makes a woman very attractive, but the experience of too much intimacy can easily cause a man to lose interest. A woman’s challenge is to reveal herself in stages, not all at once.
-She is not easily impressed by a man’s strong feelings. On Venus they tend instinctively to know that feelings are always changing. She needs assurance that his feelings will not change as they really get to know each other.
-Women like nice guys, but they are turned off when a man seems too nice. When a woman is in stage one or two and a man behaves as if he is in stage three, four, or five, then she can easily lose interest. She feels he wants too much, so she feels obligated to give back more than she is ready to. She is afraid of getting involved and hurting him.
-When women seem to be attracted to men who “don’t really care”, it’s because these men are clearly in stage one or two, which is the appropriate stage to begin a relationship. When a man pursues a woman but not yet sure about exclusivity or beyond, it can make him very attractive.
-Sometimes, both partners are too eager and they skip stages together. This does not necessarily mean that they will not make it through all the stages, but it does mean that they will not gain the insights and ability necessary to build a strong foundation for the relationship to grow.

When the Clock Keeps Ticking and He’s Not Wearing a Watch
-Quite often a woman will feel the pressure to get married when her partner is happy to stay in stage four.
-Marriage is to women what sex is to men- to ignite romantic feelings a woman needs emotional intimacy while a man needs physical intimacy.
-Instead of being in stage five and demanding that her partner move on with her, she can move back to stage four and share how she feels in a non-demanding way without blaming him. Men respond much better when they are not seen as the problem but as the solution.
-If he doesn’t respond by moving a stage backwards, a woman can move back to stage three, if he still does not propose, she will generally begin to doubt that he is the right man for her. This is the time to move back to stage two (Uncertainty).
-The first benefit of uncertainty is that it connects her to the truth that he may not be the right person for her. Another benefit is that the woman gives her partner the space he needs to determine if he is the right person for her. By creating more distance between them, she gives him a chance to experience how much he loves her. Quite often a man feels how much he loves a woman when he is directly faced with the possibility of losing her.
-Often, a man will realize how important a woman is to him after she rejects him. It is simply because he needs distance to feel his longing and desire.
-A man will pull back, and once again the woman has let go he springs back with greater desire and love.
-Instead of feeling like a victim at the whim of her partner’s changing feelings, a woman can feel self-assured.

Men Are Like Blowtorches, Women Are Like Ovens

-Often a man will suddenly become physically attracted to a woman and then just as quickly lose interest. He is like a blowtorch that can heat up really fast and then turn off in an instant. Women are like ovens. They slowly heat up and slowly cool off.
-There is something special about every woman, but what makes a woman more special to a particular man is the special chemistry he feels for her. This chemistry cannot be created. It either exists or doesn’t exist.
-How we approach a relationship can either prevent or support the growth of attraction.
-A woman first feels she is special to a man when he feels physically attracted to her. A woman must remember that she is not that special, because there are a lot of women to whom a man can feel physically attracted.
-A woman becomes more special to a man when he finds that not only he is physically attracted to her, but he also likes her.
-A woman becomes even more special to him when he also finds that he is mentally attracted to who she is as a person. There are only a few women for whom he can feel all three levels of chemistry.
-She becomes still more special when he is able to see her as imperfect person but also lovable.
-Then, within this very small and special group, his soul picks one to share his life. It is then that a woman is most special to a man.
-On the other hand, while there may be many men with whom she feels mental chemistry, there are fewer men who cause her to feel emotional chemistry. At this point, she may discover that she also feels physical attraction. It might happen slowly or it might happen very suddenly. Quite often it happens when he gives her a kiss. When a shy man postpones the kiss, it may actually postpone or even prevent a woman from feeling her physical attraction.
-When a man does little things for a woman, like: open the door, compliment her, ask her out, plan a date, or even give her a kiss, it allows her gradually to experience different levels of chemistry.
-Sometimes a woman meets a man and suddenly feels all four levels of chemistry. This is a clear sign that this woman is attracted to her fantasy of the man and not the man himself. She is attracted to the illusion of who she thinks he is.
-A man should not be discouraged if a woman is not immediately interested in a physical way. A man needs to remember that a woman is like an oven that slowly warms up.
-Quite often women who have found their soul mates say that at first they were just friends and that the romance came later.
-The more a man pursues women he could not love, the less he is able to feel physically attracted to a woman that he could love.

· Level One for Men: Physical Attraction
Since the Physical attraction is mindless, a man’s low level of discernment is enormously influenced by what he sees on TV and in movies and magazines: a particular type of woman who always appears sexually receptive, responsive, and self-assured. This attraction has nothing to do with whether a woman is his soul mate.
When a man finds his soul mate, she is rarely the type he was most attracted to at the more undiscerning level.
Level Two for Men: Emotional Attraction
He starts to find that he likes some better than others. When he experiences a woman, he will not just feel physical attraction, but will also sense how much he likes her.
Emotional chemistry has a lot to do with a person’s personality. Quite often, opposite personalities are attracted to each other.
Level Three for Men: Mental Attraction
In level three he is attracted to her character as well: the way she thinks, the way she feels, the way she conducts her life.
The degree to which a woman has developed aspects of her character does not interfere with making her attractive to a man. She is most attractive when she is herself and there is mental chemistry.
Level Four for Men: Soul Attraction.
His love recognizes that this person, though imperfect, is perfect for him. This decision is not based on a list of conditions. The mind doesn’t figure it out. The soul just knows.

· Level One for Women: Mental Attraction
A woman imagines what a man is like and is attracted to something is his character.
Just as men with a low level of discernment long to be with women they see in magazines, women at their lowest level of discernment long to be with the men in romance novels.
Level Two for Women: Emotional Attraction
Here she likes some better than others. When she senses that she doesn’t like a man a lot, she decides not to date him. Even without knowing a man, she can already tell in advance that he is not her type and she will not date him. Through trial and error she eventually discovers the kind of personality in a man with which she is most compatible and feels safe being herself.
Level Three for Women: Physical Attraction
Here she wants not just to be touched by his mind and heart, but also to be touched physically. When a man holds her hand, put his arm around her, or gives her a kiss, a lot of physical attraction is felt.
Just as a man at level one longs to touch, a woman at level three longs to be touched.
Level Four for Women: Soul Attraction
Her open heart makes her capable of eventually seeing the good in her partner, even though he is neither perfect nor able to fulfill all her needs. “This is the person I am here to be with” Her soul just knows.
While the couple will still experience the normal challenges that any two people who don’t understand each other would experience, there is a deep connection they keep coming back to that helps them overcome the inevitable conflicts, frustration, and disappointments in any relationship.

-Choosing to date someone for reasons that do not resonate with our level of maturity will sabotage our ability to move through the five stages of dating. A mature man who continues to date any woman who seems physically attractive, friendly, or sexually responsive may never find real, lasting love. A mature woman who continues to date any man who seems interested in her looks but not her mind as well will continue to be disappointed.
-It is much better not to date if you are not meeting people who match your standards. If you are at the lowest level of discernment, then dating anyone will help you grow in discernment. Once you have already developed your discernment, you lose something if you look back.
-Every relationship is a gift. It offers us the opportunity to prepare ourselves for finding and recognizing our soul mate. Each time you are increasing your ability to discern the right person for you.
-By ending relationships without resentment or guilt, you are paving the way toward a great relationship. By ending relationships with a more loving and nonjudgmental attitude, we will continue to be attracted to the people who are closer to what we want.

The Dynamics of Male and Female Desire

-Women mistakenly follow the advice that if you want someone to be interested in you, you should be interested in him. This advice worked for men who want a woman’s interest, but it doesn’t work the other way around. When a woman is really interested in a man, he tends to become more interested in himself. If she listens attentively, he will generally talk more. If she seeks to please his every need, he will gladly let her know what more she can do.
-A woman is most fulfilled when her needs are met, while a man is fulfilled primarily through being successful in fulfilling her.
-A man is like a magic genie. He comes out of his bottle with the opportunity to fulfill a woman’s every wish. He goes back into his bottle, however, when he gets the message that he can’t succeed in making her happy. When he senses that she is not happy, she becomes less interesting to him and the attraction lessens.
-There are two kinds of interest: Active Interest: is what we feel when we have a goal in our mind; it motivates action to achieve a goal. Receptive interest: is what we feel when we are openly considering the value of what is being offered, it is motivated to create opportunities to receive.
-When a man is very actively interested in a woman, his active interest will usually generate feelings of receptive interest in her. If a woman is receptively interested in a man, it will generate his active interest in her.
-The man’s confidence, which allows him to risk possible rejection to ask a woman for her number, generates in her the reassuring feeling that she is desirable. When she considers his request, his confidence is increased.
-It makes a woman feel special when a man is willing to risk rejection to get to know her.
-Some women will actually become interested in a man simply because he was interested enough to ask.
-What makes a man more interested in a woman is when he feels really good in her presence. The way a woman makes him feel good is by creating opportunities for him to succeed in truly fulfilling her needs.
-A woman does not recognize that being open and responsive to a man’s “doing” is in itself giving back to the man.
-Most women don’t realize their value to men. Not only is it not necessary for her to give back, but giving back can also prevent him from being more interested.
-The tendency to give back is just so automatic that a woman may not even know she is doing it. On her planet, it is just god manners to give back immediately.
-Instead of just relaxing and fully receiving the message, some women shift from being receptively interested to being actively interested.
-Receptive interest just does not bring out the best in a man. After a while he becomes interested in someone else, who does promise to bring out the best in him.
-When a man is actively interested in a woman, he is thinking about things like what he should do to impress her. When a woman is receptive, she gives a man the confidence to take the risks necessary to impress her. If she makes the mistake of trying to impress him, then he will automatically relax and let her do the risking. Men become actively interested when they are figuring out what to do, what to give, how to provide, how to achieve a goal, how to impress someone, and how to get the love, acceptance, and admiration they want.
-When a man is actively interested, he tends to be much more action-oriented, masculine, and directed. These qualities tend to make him much more attractive to women. On the other hand, when a woman is being receptive, her best and most feminine qualities have a chance to shine.
-In fact, when a man receives from a woman, it opens him up to receive more, but when a woman receives from a man it opens her up to give more.

Men Pursue and Women Flirt

-To be most attractive, a man needs to do little things with an attitude of confidence and conviction. A woman needs to respond to the things he does in a receptive but not fully convinced manner. A man should not get the idea that she is after him, but that she is open to finding out if she likes him.
-To create a relationship, a woman must be careful not to pursue a man but to be responsive to his pursuit.
-Flirting is like shopping and Pursuing is like going on a job interview.
-Almost anything a woman does with a receptive attitude is flirting (smiling, eye contact, casually touches, catching his look, ask him for help, …)
-If the man doesn’t get clear signals, his attraction may lessen because he doesn’t anticipate being successful.
-This kind of flirting is very exciting for women because women are looking for the occasional opportunity to relax and have someone care enough to take responsibility for their happiness and lead them where they would like to go. Women enjoy it most when a man takes the risk to impress her rather than waiting for her to do something to impress him.
-When is important is that you took the step, not what you say. Even if you are not coherent, she will be impressed because you took the risk to pursue her.
-Men tend to use one part of the brain at a time, while women use many parts simultaneously. It is relatively easy for a woman to speak when she has strong feelings, but for a man, the stronger the feelings, the less he is able to think and speak.

How to Compliment the Opposite Sex? Acknowledge Men & Adore Women

-Compliments are the best way to communicate attraction and allow it to grow. The bottom line is that men want to be acknowledged, while women want to be adored.
-On Mars they feel most complimented when the results of their decisions and actions are acknowledged and appreciated, so when a woman responds in a positive manner to the things he provides, and overlooks what isn’t as wonderful, a man feels most complimented. His affection for her increases because he feels so proud.
-On Venus they are most touched when a compliment is personally directed. Instead of focusing on what a woman does or how she makes him feel, he should ideally focus on finding positive adjectives and nouns to describe her directly.
-When a woman compliments a man in an indirect manner, it encourages him to continue pursuing her, as she continues to leave a distance between them that he can cross in his pursuit of her.
-For a woman to have deeper feelings for a man, his compliments need to become more personal and direct. The more special the adjective, the more special she feels.
-Another way a woman can indirectly compliment a man is to appreciate what he has provided. By appreciating the movie, the play, the singing, the food, the decorations, the service, the weather, and so on, she indirectly appreciates him, since he feels he provided it.
-For women, the best compliments regard something special either about her person or about something on which she has spent a lot of time, thought, energy, or creativity.

Men Advertise and Women Share

-Men talk much about themselves.
-When the woman does get a chance to talk, he’ll quickly respond with what he thinks she could do, should do, or shouldn’t do. He confidently assumes that his expertise and competence are impressing her, while in reality she is being turned off—feeling ignored, left out, or unimportant to him.
-Martians are primarily work-oriented. Every man instinctively knows that his success is based on three things: his competence, his ability to let others know how competent he is, and the opportunity to serve. To a woman it appears as if he cares only about number one, himself.
-Venusians are relationship-oriented. Every woman instinctively knows that her ability to find fulfillment is based on three things: the ability to give love, the demonstration of her ability to have loving relationships, and the opportunity to receive love.
-A confident and competent man is very attractive to a woman, but what makes her more interested in him is his ability to give and receive in a relationship. A man makes the best impression by asking questions and listening.
-What a woman can do to stop a man from talking so much is to simply stop asking questions and join in the conversation. She should not wait for him to ask questions or wait to be invited; instead, she should just listen for a few moments or minutes and then start in.
-In learning to interrupt, a woman needs to know that a man’s automatic way of showing interest is to advertise. If he is not taking the time to listen, it is probably because he is advertising. This means he is interested and very receptive to being interrupted. When a woman doesn’t join the conversation, a man either assumes that she has nothing to say or gets the message that he hasn’t yet earned her acceptance, and so he keeps talking. In either case, she ends up feeling neglected and annoyed by his self-centeredness.
-Generally, a man will feel relieved when a woman joins in and carries a conversation. It takes the pressure off of him and lets him relax and get to know her. Men are happiest when a woman opens up and shares, while women enjoy carrying the conversation as long as they feel a man is interested.

Why Men Don’t Call

-Most men have no idea why it is so important for a woman to receive that call. His not calling doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care. When a man doesn’t call the next day, it is often because he is following another set of instincts.
-When two male buddies have not talked in months or years, they are just happy to see each other. They don’t even think about apologizing for not staying in touch, but when women get back together, they need to be reacquainted before they feel really close.
-A man doesn’t understand this, but innocently his instincts motivate him to wait a while before calling to avoid being needy or desperate. He senses that if he is too excited or interested he may compromise his value to her.
-A man may thing that by not calling he is sparing a woman the experience of being directly rejected. Commonly a man thinks by not calling he is ending the relationship gracefully.
-Some other times when a man is not sure he will just postpone. He likes to think things over a lot before he gets involved. He doesn’t want to lead a woman on or disappoint her.

To Call or not to Call

-Most women have not yet learnt the art of being assertive and feminine at the same time.
-Certainly a woman who pursues men does sometimes succeed in getting a man, but often the consequences is not what she had hoped. When they get married and she wants to relax and simply be herself, he loses interest. In some cases, once they settle down and she stops pursuing him, he finally gets the opportunity to feel the desire to please her and pursue. This is not always the case, though; more often he just loses interest.
-There are still ways for women to call men without sabotaging the potential of a relationship.
-Everyone tells her that she shouldn’t call, and instinctively there is a part of her that doesn’t want to call, but another part wants to call. With an understanding of men, there are other options. To make the time pass more quickly she has two options:
1- Fill up your time with relationships and activities so that you are not just waiting by the phone. There is no greater mistake than stop your life for a man. A man is most interested and attracted to a woman whose life is full, but who happily makes some room for him. He is less attracted if she needs him to fill up her life and schedule.
2- Give him a call. There are seven guidelines for calling a man:-
1. Don’t call if you’re upset with him. It is generally a mistake to call a man and be upset with him for not calling.
2. Don’t ask questions. Men complain about women who want to talk about their relationship.
3. Make positive comments. Let him know how you feel; don’t ask him how he feels. Instead of asking questions about your relationship, use F.Y.I.O (for your information only) statements.
4. Talk about what happened not about him. Talking about what you did together not about your relationship frees him to connect with you without feeling any pressure to spend more time together. The less pressure he feels to spend more time with you frees him to desire to spend more time with you.
5. Let him know the positive responses you had and leave out the negative. A man forms an emotional bond of affection as he succeeds in making a woman happy.
6. Don’t give advice on anything, but instead ask for advice. You must be very careful not to offer any unsolicited advice, even if he asks. Men also do not like it when a woman quotes another person as a way to give advice.
7. Don’t offer to help him in any way, but instead ask for his help. The more a man succeeds in helping a woman, the more attracted he will be to her. But offering help can easily backfire and make a man feel mothered and smothered. When a woman offers to help is can easily make her appear too eager to win his affections, or it can come across as an insult. If she calls to offer help, she loses him. If she calls to get help, he will feel complimented.

-How to ask a man out? Instead of asking him out on a romantic date, she can ask him to help her with something or accompany her somewhere. The request should be practical and not romantic. Doing this, the man has the opportunity to be a friend, but more important, the woman has been able to create a fertile opportunity to experience him being helpful to her and thus become more attracted to her.

Men Love a Woman with a Smile

-A man is most attracted to a woman when she makes him feel masculine. In a similar manner, a woman is most attracted to a man when his presence makes her feel feminine.
-Some women realized that they too were from mars. This role reversal is very common, particularly with women who are very active and committed to their careers. Women today are pressured to be like men during the day at work. Depending on how stressful their job is, it can be very difficult to shift back to having feminine feelings and characteristics. The very characteristics that make them successful at work can make them unsuccessful in relationships. A strong and assertive woman can be very attractive, but she must learn to express her power in a feminine way.
-There are three basic characteristics of masculinity: Confidence, Purposefulness, and Responsibility
-There are three basic characteristics of femininity: Self Assurance, Receptivity, and Responsiveness.
Self Assurance – A self-assured woman trusts that others care and they want to support her. She does not feel alone. She feels supported by friends and family and by men. In her mind, almost all men are likable until proven otherwise. When she is not respected, she doesn’t take it so personally, but moves on. She doesn’t expect perfection and is open to finding new ways of getting more of what she wants. Some women are naturally self-assured. They are born with this attitude. Self-assurance is an attitude that assumes you will always get what you need and at this moment you are in the process of getting it. It is different from confidence. Confidence assumes that you can do what you set out to do, even if you have to do it all by yourself without any help. Self-assurance assumes that others are available and want to help and you don’t have to do it all by yourself. When a woman is too confident and independent, it is sometimes a sign that she is not assured at all that others are there for her, and so she has to do it all herself. As the woman grows in self-assurance, she will not be attracted to men who cannot respond to her in the ways she deserves. A woman needs to remember that she is the jewel and he is providing the setting for her to shine. This attitude that she is already worthy of attention makes her more desirable to him.
Receptivity – A receptive woman is able to receive what she gets and not resent getting less. Receptivity is being able to receive whatever can be received in a circumstance. It is the ability to benefit or find something good in every situation. When a woman is receptive and things are not exactly what she wants, she is receptive to the possibility that things will get better. She does not close up. Expectations are a turnoff. A woman loses her sense of receptivity when she expects more than a man has been giving. Men love it when a woman can both disagree with his opinion but at the same time express an attitude that she likes him and trusts him to be a good guy, “I accept you the way you are; you don’t have to be just like me and I still like you”. Accepting a man while disagreeing with him makes him feel free to be different.
Responsiveness – A man is most interested in pursuing a woman when he gets clear messages that he can make her happy. The secret of being responsive is to be authentic. If a man does not truly delight, impress, or please a woman and she responds with artificial delight, admiration, or fulfillment, he will know she is faking it and eventually feel manipulated. A woman’s responsiveness is most attractive when it is authentic and not exaggerated. It is okay to hold back negative responses in the first three stages of dating, as a man judges his success in a relationship by the positive responses that he gets. So when she is not pleased, she can simply give a zero response. She doesn’t need to share her negative responses, but she can instead seem unresponsive and change the subject to something more positive, then he feels encouraged. By focusing on the positive and leaving out the negative, she may have a little less conversation, but he will stay interested. She can then share the negative goodies with her girlfriends. When a woman can respond to the little things he does, then his affection, and interest have a chance to grow.

Why Some Women Remain Single?

-This frustration has nothing to do with looks, personality, level of success, or the availability of men. It does involve their style of approach. These women are very careful not to need a man so their self-reliant attitude does not make them attractive.
-In the old days, it was clear that a woman needed a man’s protection and physical support.. But nowadays, instead of needing a man primarily for survival and security, a woman needs a man for emotional comfort and nurturing.
-When the lower needs for survival like eating, drinking, shelter, and breathing are met, the higher needs of love and intimacy become more important.
-With more advanced education and job opportunities, women are more responsible for themselves. So the more successful a woman is, the less inviting to a man she may become.
-These women usually want to avoid needing a man, as they don’t want to appear needy. But for a man, there is a world of difference between a needy woman and a woman who needs him.
-To need a man does not mean to need more from him. By focusing on appreciating what a man offers, a woman can avoid being needy.
-A woman does not have to be helpless to ask a man for help, nor does she have to be hopeless to need his support. It is always flattering to a man when he feels needed.

Where to Find your Soul Mate

-People who are happily married often say they met their soul mate when they weren’t really looking. This doesn’t mean you have to wait for your lucky day or for an accident to occur in order to meet your mate. People attribute finding their soul mates solely to chance, fate, luck, magic, good fortune, or God’s grace because they don’t realize how it is actually done. Certainly, everything really great is done with God’s help, but GOD HELPS WHO HELP THEMSELVES. Whether intentionally or unintentionally we put ourselves in the right place to meet a potential partner with whom we can feel immediate chemistry.
There are Four elements of chemistry we should put in our consideration:-
Different interests – Soul mates have many shared interests, but quite often they have many more different interests. The insight that different interests create chemistry explains why it is sometimes so hard to find a soul mate. The only way we can meet someone with different interests is by accident. To find your soul mate, go to places where people have interests different from yours. Trying new things actually gives you more energy and makes you more attractive. So if you aren’t very religious, start going to church. If you don’t like to read very much, start hanging out at a bookstore or library and so on.
Complementary needs – Soul mates basically have something that their partners need. This mutual dependence creates healthy emotional chemistry. Examples: If you need help setting up your computer, then by going to a computer fair, you may meet the right man. By attending any class you are creating the ideal opportunity for a guy to be helpful. Whenever a situation arises where leadership is required, you should jump at that opportunity.
Maturity – Soul mates basically have similar levels of maturity. This maturity does not necessarily have to do with age, but it is a big factor. One of the ways to experience this chemistry is to visit places where you are assured of meeting people your age like school reunions and support groups. The more we know, the more we don’t know. With the wisdom of greater maturity, we naturally seek out additional information on subjects that are dear to us. Let go of the past and its experiences as patterns can and do change and experiences are not the same.
Resonance – Soul mates have similar values that resonate. Your partner’s values concerning God, family, work, recreation, politics, money, character, sex, and marriage resonate with you and inspire you. To have similar values does not mean that you will necessarily think and feel the same way about issues. Sharing values makes us compatible with someone. This compatibility allows us to make compromises without giving up who we are or what is important to us. By going to places where our values are supported like churches or fun groups and trips, we are sure to meet our soul mate.

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